Aging parents is something we don't talk about enough with each other, sharing our experiences. We all know it is coming and intellectually understand what may happen but it is not the same as experiencing it on a daily basis. Many of you have already been through aging parents or loss of a parent or are dealing with it now and have lots of wisdom to offer. Trust me, I would love to hear from you! I am far from an expert as I have only really just begun this journey of caring for an aging parent that is not in good health and will not get better, but wow, what an eye opener. So many emotions are involved and important decisions to be made. All of which are equally important. So, what have I learned so far, let's see if I can even put it into words.
First of all I have learned to remember all the things my parents have done for me all my life and sacrifices that they made on mine and my sister's behalf--they were numerous. Now, it is my turn to do the same in terms of my time and finances just has they did for me growing up. I have always heard "that time is coming" and I have seen my parents take care of their parents but it is not the same as experiencing it for yourself.
I have also learned that mental, emotional and physical exhaustion are a natural part of this process. It doesn't feel good by any means but, you do what you have to do and rest later. I am guessing my parents felt that along the way, too, when raising me. They didn't give up but hung in there. That is my job now with them. When the going gets tough, the tough better get going or something can go wrong quickly!
Thirdly, I have learned that no matter how hard you try, you can't be prepared for all the curves the illness of aging parents throw your way. I say this mainly for those who have not been through this scenario yet, to pay attention and give this a lot of thought before it happens. Are you prepared financially, do you know what your parents wishes are, are you and your siblings and other parent all on the same page about long-term care or even short-term care? If you don't know, then guess what, it is time to think and talk about it.
We need to talk about this more with each other and encourage our younger friends to pay attention as we go through it to help them better understand what they may face one day. You can never be totally prepared and you can't live in fear BUT you can gain as much knowledge as you can about the subject and have those family conversations. It isn't pretty, but yet a very real and natural part of life. I know I want to make it as easy on my parents as possible and still survive to tell the story. We all will survuve it, we aren't the first to have this experience and certainly will not be the last. The question becomes how can we survive this in our particular situation. No two situations will ever be the same but we can at least provide support to our friends as they go through this.
My guess is this is part one of my Aging Parents blogs. I am so thankful for good friends, their love concern and prayers. This is all in God's timing, we are just "managers" of that time with His guidance while we are here. I would love to hear from others about your experiences and any words of wisdon you have on this topic. Stay tuned!
It is heartbreaking experience and you have said many things well. I think another thing to consider is distance. It has been so hard for me to be away and not able to go home to see about them. I can't drop my job - family etc. and always be available. So we all need to consider the alternative that will work best for our parents. The other thing that I have worked on is RESOLVE - I can't fix this problem, it is not going away,and as terrifying as it is I know that death is the only true solution. I keep telling myself and you! that I can only do what I can do. I have tried very hard to remember that and know my siblings are the same way. You are right we need to really prepare our future caregivers and give them what they need to know to carry out our wishes.
ReplyDeleteA wise friend once said that there is nothing so permanent as children--to paraphrase him, there also is nothing so permanent as parents. They are our connections to who we are--the ones who have known us the longest--the ones who know our strengths and our weaknesses and love us because of them. Making the change from being taken care of by our parents to being the caregivers is difficult for both sides. I deal with this on a daily basis---and it's so hard to find that narrow line that let's them continue to be the parent and the decision maker and yet you carry the responsibility for their well being. I have learned more about listening and keeping my mouth shut than I ever learned from raising children. I've also learned that under it all, they too are terrified of the future and stuggling to maintain their independence. You learn to do the best you can do, love them dearly--and know that you will make mistakes but your parent knows that you are doing the best that you can and you love them dearly. Good luck....
ReplyDeleteKim, I know first hand on how hard it is to be the "responsible" one when I still wanted to be cared for by my g-ma. She was always there for me and I was so lucky to have her in my life for so many years, but when she needed me, the program changed and I had to be the "responsible" one and that was very hard to do. I didn't like it, but I did the very best I knew how to take care of her. I was lucky though, g-ma had all her affairs/finances in order many years before, so that part was never an issue, thank goodness. G-ma was also accepting to the fact that this was the way her life was..so deal with it. The last 9 months were many different emotions, sad,happy,mad,and of course priceless...You will do the best that you can and your parents will know that you love them, no matter how tough the situations may be ahead...I always felt good if I made G-ma smile...cause her smile always made me smile..take care of yourself during this time also..We're here for you!
ReplyDelete